I seem to be bullet proof.

Several emotions roll through my head when I look back at old high school photos. One, I wish that I wasn't so timid in high school and would have taken more advantage of the opportunities I had. Even if it meant putting up with a crappy volleyball coach. Two, what was I thinking ever wanting the people I thought were cool to think I was cool?

I mean really, they were selfish, petty, fitted with loose morals, and arrogant; and these are the people whose attention I craved? I feel the need to travel back in time to smack myself. Why is it that the people who oppress us most are the ones we continually seek to please and the one who openly invites us into glory we easily turn our backs to? It makes absolutely no sense at all.

I want to point this out to every jr. high and high school girl I ever meet. The people you look at now, the jerks people think are popular, are going to be the people that you look at in 5-10 years and thank God they never stuck as friends. When I look at this kind of people in my life, I often think to myself, "Wow, dodged that bullet." And then I usually laugh at myself for the naivety of my high school self.

How quickly we lose perspective. The temporary begins to look like eternal and the eternal begins to become an annoying idea you hear once a week from an out-of-touch man on a stage. I'm guilty of this. I let my eyes win out over what my heart knows. The disconnect between my head and my heart is costly and I'm wasting precious time letting the former win out. Renew my mind, Father. Transform my way of thinking. Set my heart, my mind, my soul, and my strength on that which is eternal.

Weak faithfulness in strong hands

I had a really cool moment tonight. I was sitting with my host parents, my host "brother", and Dan tonight outside in my new back yard and I was reminded of God's faithfulness. I lose faith in God to the point that it is shameful. I am more apt to give up the long term dream for what's happening right in front of me. I lose faith and sight in God. This has changed a little over the last year. Remaining faithful to the call to do LT has opened my eyes to several different ways that God has fulfilled the desires of my heart, even some of the unspoken ones.
I have always wanted, but never had brothers; Dan has become that brother to me. He even gets under my skin like any normal sibling would, but has also been a vital source of encouragement.
I have always wanted to live in community. I now work for a community focused organization and live with two of the most generous and kind people I have ever met.
I wanted to be more confident. I am more confident because I am dead to this world, so there's nothing to worry about anymore.
I wanted a purpose and goals. LT is working with me to establish both.
I've received confirmation time and time again that this a place where God's will for my life and my desires finally meet. I have never known a peace like this, but it's infecting all that I do. I know that I am different and I know that the Julie I was a year ago would look at me now and say, I want to be that. She's got her head on straight. All because of God's faith in me and Him remaining faithful to His own plan for me. Uncompromising. He would not stop until he had all of me.

Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself... (2 Timothy 2:11-13)

My year in rewind

Mandy and I Skyped tonight and we ended up watching the video that we made of our road trip to California. Which was the reason I started blogging again and have done a poor job of writing since then. My apologies even though I think I'm the only one who reads what I write :)

Summit starts in 4 weeks and 3 days. This last year absolutely flew by and I feel like I've forgotten more than I remember about the last year. So accompany me as I remember the last year and all I've done::

Last season of college volleyball at SLCC.
Last semester of classes.
Coaching at North County.
Coaching at SLCC.
Being a nanny.
Road tripping to California.
Interviewing for Summit and then getting in.
Living with Dawn and Julie W.
Kentucky for 6 weeks.
Self discovery.
Understanding grace for the first time.
Completing my year covenant of no dating.
Lake of the Ozarks trips.
Mayleene and the Sons of Disaster in concert at Pops.
My first ticket.
Finding my first geocach.

If this is what I can do in a year's time then I can't wait to see what the next 50 are going to be like.

No end like the deep end.

Sometimes I get really pensive about the future and all the possibilities it holds. Will I make the right choices, will I make the most of what God's entrusted to me, will I completely screw things up? Or possibly, just maybe, could I end up happy? It seems sometimes like asking God to bury the moon in my back yard, you know wanting to end up happy.

Interestingly enough though, I have more joy in my heart than I have ever known. I feel peace and not the chaos I grew to know so well. I'm excited to see where life leads me because I have goals to work towards and lots of opportunities that are so close I can almost see them becoming real. I'm not afraid to dream big anymore, because I know the one thing I want most in my life is to delight in the Lord and if my aim is simply to do that I cannot fail. To God, I cannot fail, to the world and to myself, I will still fail, but that all becomes secondary.

If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand. I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. (Psalm 37:23-25)

It still amazes me how faithful God is and how I'm impulsive and quick to forget. I have housing for August! Another piece of the LeaderTreks puzzle has, once again, fallen into place. I feel as though I have jumped into the deep end and found out that I can swim. The closer it gets to September the more at ease I become and the more excited I am to dive in deeper.

Please keep Dan and I in your prayers as we travel tomorrow and please pray for our impact over the course of the summer on the students, the staff, the volunteers, the missionary partners, and the parents. This is so much bigger than we are and I don't think we really realize that.
Welp, good night :)

Dust

It's amazing what we set aside to collect dust. Beautiful things, like vases from people who've given flowers, spare change, picture frames with photos you no longer have to look at because you've looked at them 1,000 times before, and jewelery that you'll never wear again. I found my collection of pennies tonight. It's a pitiful collection if you knew how long I've been collecting. Mainly because I forget that I'm collecting them or I use my debit card instead of cash. So tonight, in honor of finding my collection, I went on a hunt for all the pennies around the house and in my car to add to my collection. I think I doubled my collection just from the pennies I found on my mom's dresser.

It was on her dresser that I also found small pieces of jewelery my sisters and I had bought for her in Mother's Days past that said things like "Best Mom" and "I <3 you Mom." My personal favorites are the butterfly pins she's collected over the years. She loves butterflies because they are to her a symbol of new life. Which, if you knew my mother the way I do, is a tear-jerking statement to hear her say and is, to me, a glimpse of God's amazing love for us. I doubt she knows just how much she has influenced my view of grace, in a good way of course.

I'll be the first to admit that my mom and I don't always see eye to eye and sometimes I wonder how on earth we could be related. I don't think that we look alike by any means and our personalities are almost complete opposites. But, putting all those things aside she is my mother. She's the one who showed me how to love God and love people, she was the one that put up with me crawling into bed with her when there was a thunderstorm, she was the one who drove me to all my sporting events and was my sideline cheerleader, she's been the one to encourage me and to give me an honest opinion, and she's bent over backwards to make sure my sisters and I were taken care of.

I love my mother and I know that I don't tell her that enough. I'm thankful for all that she has verbally told me and what she's silently taught me by the way she lives her life. I'm getting to the age where her monarchy over my life is over and I get to make the mistakes for myself, but I have yet to out grow her. She is no longer the disciplinarian, but my friend and I never thought that I would live to hear myself say that. She has weathered the storms of my trouble-making childhood, my moody preteen years, and my angst ridden teenage existence and I hope now to show her my gratitude by living out the one goal she has set for me: to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Thank you for loving me when I didn't deserve it. I wouldn't be where I am without you.

Happy Mother's Day, Momma :)

Keep your coins. I want change.

Well sports fans it's then end of another era. I graduate from SLCC this Saturday ending my three year stay in the great city of St. Louis, Missouri. Most of my friends are graduating with the Bachelors degree and I (although I have second semester, Jr. level credits) am graduating with my Associates. In a way I feel like I wimped out. I was so close to a bachelors and I just threw in the towel. The fact of the matter is: I wasn't happy there. I had never been happy there. I settled on SLCC because I didn't think to plan for the future and I didn't want to do a lot of extra work. It was cheap, it was easy, it was safe, and it made my mother happy. I don't regret any of the time that I spent there. I love the people I've met and built strong relationships with, I love the professors who have taught me, I love the knowledge that I've learned, I love that my time there has brought me closer to God, and I love the life I got to live. I am blessed because of my time there. What I do regret is not seeing that my heart was not in line with what God wanted for me. I wanted easy and God wanted more than what was convenient.

I don't think He wanted me to settle for a life of being married before the age of 22. I don't think He wanted me to settle for the path that had already been tread by my sisters. I don't think He wanted me to settle for the safety of my five year plan of school, marriage, kids, and Africa. It's funny to think of the 18 year-old-girl that first set foot on that campus and how she is almost nothing like the 21 year-old me now. Different dreams, different focus, different plans, different person.

Last Saturday (May 1) Mandy and Kayla and I took a day trip up to Chicago to hang out and we were supposed to take Mandy to check out SAIC, but it never happened. Somewhere between eating lunch at Gino's East and making faces in "The Bean" in Millennium Park it hit me that this was going to become my new city. That at the end of the month I was headed into a spiral of new, well, everything and I wasn't doing much to prepare for it. Everything started to get real, these plans I made many, many months ago were starting to breath and exist in more places than just my mind. I'm going to be moving to a new city, with new people, knowing very few people, and embarking on a whole new life direction. This should scare anyone, but (although I am a little nervous) I'm more excited than anything.

I'm interested to see how different the me now will be from the me after Summit's over.

That's all for now, I'm sleepy, but I promise to try to do a better job of updating this thing from now on.

Scattered thoughts.

When am I going to hear Julia Roberts talk and not think Tinkerbell? I watched Pretty Woman and I kept waiting for her to shrink back to fairy size (which turned it from the romantic comedy I love into an action/thriller).

There are two kinds of people in the world:: those who replace the toilet paper when it's run out and those who go through the trouble of getting it out of the big package to set it on the counter.

I spent 8 hours on ancestry.com last night to see if I could figure out where I've come from, which is something I've never cared about, but deep down always felt like I was missing out on something. What I've uncovered so far is that I am a mutt; Scottish, German, Spanish, French, Irish, English, and Norwegian all combines to make me. My last name (Outlaw) I'm pretty certain is English (but it's really spelled Outlawe? or Utlaw? something like that) and it's given to "someone deprived of the right of pleading in a Court of Justice or even excommunicated from an Ecclesiastical Court..." I guess my passion for justice runs deeper than I thought and every Outlaw in the history of the world has come from North Carolina. Neat!

I miss California. We got more bounce in California...

I think it's weird that Nicholas Sparks wrote a movie for Miley Cyrus. I don't know how old he is or why he wrote it, but something about that just screams ickie.

I've decided that I like the TV show Cold Case. I really don't get into the CSI type shows, but this one I like, a lot actually.

I like bandannas, but sometimes I tie them too tight and it feels like someone very big is trying to squish my head like a grape.

I need a more normal sleeping pattern: 2 am to 10 am just isn't something normal people do.

I'm going to make a comforter out of the insides of an old blanket and a bunch of old t-shirts, it's going to be awesome! Plus it will kinda match the pillowcase I made my Jr. year of high school.

I keep having night mares about the spider Dan, Ryan, and I encountered in Pippa last summer. The things was monstrous and if it's still alive I want a picture of it and then I want something very large to throw at it to make it not alive.

Ryan Reynolds is a very pretty man :)

Happy Easter!

It's almost 2 AM and I should be asleep, but I'm not.

I'm not going to re-read this blog so I apologize in advance for any nonsense and misspelling I'm about to make.

I hate tomatoes and melons of all colors and sizes, including the melon of the water variety. It's not that I don't try to like these foods, in fact, I would love to like these foods because they look delicious, but I just cannot stomach the taste or texture. That had nothing to do with what I wanted to write about, it just came out and now I've forgotten the reason for wanting to write, so I shall now ramble about any and everything...

I chopped all my hair off. This is the shortest I have ever willingly had my hair (besides the time I was 3 and my parents decided they wanted to have 3 little boys for a few months, hence why I said willingly). I like it, a lot actually. Shorter time spent in the shower, shorter time styling, my Connan O'Brian cowlick behaves better, I don't have to pull my hair back before going to sleep, I look even more like a rock star (which seems to be the motivation behind all of my hair cutting endeavors), and I'm not looking to attract a husband so I could care less if the boys are upset I cut my hair (grow up and deal with it, hair grows back). I like changing my hair. Since September I have dyed it twice and cut it 3 times (4 if you count the angled-bob Hayle did before cutting the rest of my hair in the same day). It's like art... on my head.

I'm at home for a while, at least until Easter, just chilling, doing art, reading, using commas as much as possible, and probably incorrectly.

I bought a book called "Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type" and, besides the annoying use of a number where a word should be, the book has some really interesting stuff on foods that you should eat according to the blood type you are. Me, for example, I'm Type-A. According to the book meat and I are not friends due to lack of stomach acids that can't break down animal proteins. This is wonderful news since I have never really liked eating meat, because it made me feel gross after I ate it, maybe it was because my body's like "Hey! I can't digest the crap you're feeding me!" So now I feel no shame adopting more of my "granola" personality and embracing tofu and soy, mmm mmm! Although I don't agree with it's stress relief ideas: I love yoga, yes, but give me a volleyball and I'll show you some stress relief.

Happy April Fools Day! Just kidding, that's tomorrow.... hehe.

Oh and I want to adopt a puppy sometime, hopefully in the near future and I've been thinking a lot about LT and getting really excited that everything I've been waiting for is about to start. It doesn't even seem real. 2 months before summer trips and about 5 until Summit starts, holy poo... I'm in love with life.

What just happened..... ?

I don't usually post twice in one day, let alone twice in the same couple of hours, but what JUST happened is worthy of sharing with the world because I'm Still laughing about it.
Dawn and I have been sitting in OTD for about an hour or two and this African American man came over and was talking to the guy with the bad music taste, about Wi-Fi or something. I wasn't really paying attention. Until... The strange man appears to my right... I think he's going to talk to me about my computer/Wi-Fi or something of that sort... I was concerned and I must have had a concerned look on my face because after the "Excuse me miss" he says "Don't worry I'm not trying to scare you." (Well that's real comforting...) Then the conversation happens as follows::

"I was sitting over there and I think you are very attractive and I would be honored if I could give my cell phone number."

At this point I'm at a loss for words and I was quickly trying to think of some polite yet direct way of telling this man that I was not interested. So I blurted out that I was moving to Chicago in a month to start a new job and that I wasn't even going to be around. Then he started asking me a bunch of questions about Chicago and then rambled on about how there's nothing for people in St. Louis and how people want to go every other place before they want to come here. I nod and to myself wonder if he's ever going to leave or if he's going to stay and talk to me until I relent to letting him give me his number. Then, he says "Well I wish you the best of luck." and then leaves.

Then Dawn and I crack up because that actually just happened. Hahaha.
The entire time this is what's going on in my head::

Can I have yo numba?

I love life, hahaha.

All the little things...

It seems to be the little things in life that make me the happiest. Here are a few of the things I am loving right now::

1) There is a bowl by the door in the apartment in which I can throw my keys in when I get home.
2) I now live within walking distance of St. Ferdinand Park (aka the park with THE best sand volleyball courts and a great place to run).
3) I get to do Yoga when I wake up in the morning.
4) We have a dishwasher.
5) I live even closer to Old Town Doughnuts.
6) I found a neat chain for my St. Anthony charm Kaite Rawlings got for me my Sophomore year.
7) I got to write some Thank You's and got to tell some really great people how awesome I think they are.
8) I finally have time to study because I want to and not because I have to for a class.
9) They guy sitting 4 feet from me finally put in headphones so I no longer have to listen to his honky-tonk country crap music.
10) One of my really good friends/roommate #2 is getting married on Saturday.

There are more but I want to keep these blog things as short as possible :)

The end is here...

So the trip is done and over with but it doesn't even feel like it even happened. It feels like something out of a Sci-Fi movie where the main character thinks he remembers something, but the memories were really just implanted in his brain and none of it ever really happened or there was some kind of time warp and we really never left the car. Anyway, I want to go back where it's warm. Mandy and I recorded this vlog right after I woke up in Oklahoma::

The last day...

Today is the last full day in Cali and I'm really sad to be leaving. I feel as though I fit here. My crazy driving is actually useful, it's sunny, it's warm, there are all kinds of out door activities, no snow, no ice, lots of gorgeous scenery, no farm land; I could keep going, but I won't. I mentioned to my dad that I loved it out here, all he said was, "No." Haha, that was it, "No." I think I shall put this idea into my "Future Folder" right next to coaching basketball and saving the world.

This was a much needed trip for both Mandy and me. Mandy for a time of detoxing all that life had crapped on her this semester and me for a reminder that the real world still exists. Sometimes I get wrapped up in what's right in front of me and forget that there's a whole world of people and places still to be seen. I now want to see it all and it doesn't seem like an impossibility. Life seems to be teeming around my feet and my inhibitions and fear seems to be fleeting by the day. I'm really excited to see where I will be a year from now, because I sure as heck didn't think that I would be where I am now a year ago.

I'm not really looking forward to the 30 hour ride in the car we're about to embark on... again. We're going to have to branch out from our "S" snacks and incorporate some beef jerky and Dr. Pepper. Mandy's already told me I'm not allowed to do another 12 hour driving spree, but I told her I could not make any promises I didn't intend to keep.

We hit the beach one last time this afternoon, this time we went to the harbor on the south side of the beach. I came with the idea that this was going to be a religious experience and that I would feel even closer to the Creator of the Universe by seeing the ocean. It was beautiful, but God didn't show up. He was not in the wind, the waves, or the sand. It was an abrupt realization and I pondered this during my quiet time. Coincidentally I read through Hebrews during this time too. This is what I read:

For Jesus has been counted worthy of more glory than Moses—as much more glory as the builder of a house has more honor than the house itself. (For every house is built by someone, but the builder of all things is God.) Hebrews 3:3-4

God is the creator and the creator cannot become a part of his own creation any more than a builder can be a pillar in his own house. The wind, the waves, the sun, the sky, the stars, they all shout who He is and will never contain Him. He is worthy of more glory than that. The mighty ocean, God is more powerful than. The brilliant sun, God's light is brighter than. The still night sky, God's peace is more calming than. Everything this world contains is a mere glimpse of His glory. How beautiful and frightening He must truly be.

The Day We Did Nothing

Today we really did nothing... well, besides watch movies.
Today I've watched::
Kazaam
Kung Fu Panda
Secret Life of Bees
A Knight's Tale
Monsters vs. Aliens
Get Smart
and we're currently watching Waynes World (Besides, she's a psycho hose beast... If she were president she would be Baberham Lincoln... ).

Thanks to our Malibu beach trip I met my goal of filling my Nalgene with shells and as an added bonus the Coca-Cola bottel I saved from Mas Poquito is also filled with shells. Mission accomplished.

My angry rock::


This guy's not angry... he's just a little crabby::

On a positive note I think the cat and the dog are starting to get along... ::

Not really, Bronx (the dog) still just wants to eat Mims' (the cat) face. Can't say I blame him.

That's it, the end. I've got to get back to Wayne's World... party on...

Oh and for the dumb moment of the day:: I thought I heard thunder, but it was really the government blowing crap up on base. Neat, eh?

Tea with Ghandi

There is a reason there was no blog yesterday, it's called I was having the best two days of the whole Cali trip. Mandy has some friends that live in Burbank, CA so we took a road trip within our road trip to go see them. I won't bore you with the details, but it was the best things we've done this whole trip. Best Mexican food I've ever eaten (Poquito Mas), best Disney movie I've seen in a long time (Princess and the Frog), best beach I've ever seen (El Matador Beach in Malibu). We did some touristy things too: Hollywood sign, Chinese Theater, Walk of Fame, lookout over the city (holy poo, it was pretty). What I liked most was that seeing all these things took about an hour, besides the look out, that took a little longer because we had to jump a fence... Aww yea!
In the morning Irina (ear-ree-nah), our wonderful and gracious hostess, made us (well really me, because Mandy didn't eat anything) toast and tea for breakfast. My cup had a Gandhi quote on it and it's one that I love dearly :: "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

In my three years at a Christian College I wish that I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say they were waiting to hear where God was calling them. As if God was going to plop down in the chair next to them and tell them all they were supposed to do. So what about free will? We get no say in what we want to do? We just have to wait? I don't think so. Jesus didn't make the fish and loaves appear out of thin air to feed the five thousand, like a magic trick. He needed the raw material to make a miracle. A body in motion is easier to direct than a body at rest. You want purpose? You want change? Give God some fish. Get up, get out, and start living your life. Stop waiting for God to tell you what to do because He's not going to drop down out of the sky. Be the change you wish to see.

I've started living my life::

(Lights over LA)

(Cave by the Malibu beach)

(Mountains in Flagstaff, AZ)

(Camp Pendleton Beach; Oceanside, CA)

Where will your life take you?

Dani California

I don't like cats and I thought that Mandy's sister's cat (Mimsy) was going to be different, but after last night there is no hope for tolerance. Mims likes to paw at the door at night, which I have no problem sleeping through or ignoring, but last night there was no scratching, which was a nice change. About 20 minutes later Mandy and I hear some noise, we think Mims is about to start her nightly annoyance. Then, 2 seconds later: Holy Poop! SOMETHING FURRY IS LICKING MY ARM! The stupid cat was locked in the room with us and nearly made me wet the bed. THAT is why I am not a cat person. They're sneaky and evil and they trick you into liking them and then they turn crazy.

I got fried at the beach, but I soaked in the bath tub until I got hypothermia and I think I'm going to be ok. I'm going to drink some aloe vera before I got to bed, for healing from the inside out, just kidding that's gross.

I've had The Red Hot Chili Pepper's song "Dani California" stuck in my head since we left on Thursday. I really like the name Dani (for a girl) and Lilah (I like Delilah, but I wouldn't want her to be associated with the Biblical harlot or the crappy radio DJ).

Lazy Days and Thoughts on Community

Today was a really laid back day. We did a lot, but it wasn't like we were rushed for time. In fact, I have no idea what time it is. We went through 2 time changes and then we had Day Light Savings and I'm all kinds of confused, but it doesn't really matter since I don't really pay much attention to time anyway.

We went to Wilson Creek Winery today and did some wine samplin'. I sniffed and swirled like a professional, I think. I'm really uneducated when it comes to wine, but I got a free wine glass out of the deal!

So last night we were driving back from getting the world's largest sushi boat from Hana and I was watching the houses along the road. We're on a military base so all the people here are either serving or are family of someone serving. What I saw was people with common ground gathering around dinner tables, hanging out in garages, having community. There's like some unspoken bond that everyone just kinda understands. Why don't Christ followers function like that?

We all have the common ground of of being sinners, of being shown grace, and being redeemed by Jesus Christ, but it seems like none of us can get along because of denominational rifts. I'm not just talking about people within my background, but all denominations of people who acknowledge that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. In my 21 years of church going, I have yet to hear a church admit that they have flaws in their religion, but they do. We all have holes in what we believe and we will continue to be that way until we can learn to learn from each other.

The military branches have some rivalry, yes, but when the war comes they're all fighting towards the same goal. Just think of what it would be like if the Army hated the Navy and the Marines didn't agree with the Air Force. Then why can't the Pentecostals break bread with the Christians and the Methodists pray with the Church of Christ? We are all members of one body. Each with its own purpose and gift.

Romans 12 ::

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

... Just some thoughts.

Del Mar

Today, I saw the beach. I made a sand castle and destroyed it. I collected seashells and plan to do so everyday for the next six days; the goal is to fill my Nalgene before we leave.



I went in the ocean... it was flipping cold. I ran to the water and the waves hit my shins and then I could not feel them. Then I dove in. It was glorious. (It's taken me almost 2 hours to write this much, I keep getting distracted. We're watching "Pirate Radio" and if you have not seen it you really should. Warning, it's not family friendly.)

P.S. I love California.

Stars over Texas and sunrise in New Mexico

After 30 hours in the car we finally got to Oceanside and then we slept for the next 12. When we started the trip Mandy asked me if I would have rather flown instead of driving, without hesitating I said yes, because I love flying too. Mandy drove the first four hours from St. Louis, which put us at about Joplin. Then we stopped for dinner and switched drivers. The plan was to switch every four hours or so so one person could sleep while the other one drove. I decided that I was going to keep driving until I felt tired. So Oklahoma went by, I wasn't tired. Amarillo went by, still wasn't tired. I drove all the way to Albuquerque, New Mexico (about 12 hours later) before I decided I was feeling a little tired. By that time I had changed my mind about wanting to fly.

I had actually change my mind as we hit Texas when the clouds dispersed and there were the stars. They were almost as bright and as numerous as the ones I saw on the rooftop in Montana last summer. I don't really know what it is about the stars that I love so much, but I know that every time I see them they take my breath away. When I sit and stare at them, all times of my life get to exist at once. Memories of things that have happened, things that are happening right now, things that might happen in the future. They all collide and it's somehow refreshing.

Then we hit New Mexico and the sun burned up the night sky and landscape sang in the light of the sunrise. The rest of New Mexico was beautiful and Arizona was unexpectedly mountainous and gorgeous. The California hills seemed like they would go on forever; rich, dark, luscious, lovely. Needless to say I'm glad we drove.

We're about to go to the beach, but first we're going to finish watching "St. Elmo's Fire." Ha!

It's the final countdown

We’re leaving in a little less than an hour and I think I’m finally ready (Mandy on the other hand has been ready to go since Sunday). I have the directions printed, I have the GPS, I have toll money, I have all my clothes and shower stuff, pillow, blanket, sunglasses, and flip-flops. I am prepared… I think. John Steinbeck makes me think twice about being prepared ::

“Once a journey is designed, equipped, and put in process, a new factor enters and takes over. A trip, a safari, an exploration, is an entity, different form all other journeys. It has personality, temperament, individuality, uniqueness. A journey is a person in itself, no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercing are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us. Tour masters, schedules, reservations, brass bound and inevitable, dash themselves to wreckage on the personality of the trip. Only when this is recognized can the blow-in-the-glass-bum relax and go along with it. Only then do frustrations fall away. In this way a journey is like a marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it. I feel better now, having said this, although only those who have experienced it will understand.” John Steinbeck “Travels With Charley”

Ok, California Trip, let’s see who you really are.

To remember

We leave tomorrow. I have not yet packed anything, well… besides the flip-flops and sunglasses I bought from Target about an hour ago. We are also all set with our “S-only” snacks :: Sweedish Fish, Skittles, Sunflower Seeds, and Some Coffee. Ok, the coffee doesn’t really fit, but it will be a crucial part of the trip.
I’m all moved into the new apartment, and I’m already loving life with Dawn and Julie. It was practically destiny that I lived here. Julie’s first name is Julie, my first name is Julie. My middle name is Dawn, Dawn’s first name is Dawn. Julie :: Julie Dawn :: Dawn. Ain’t life crazy?

Living in a community house/apartment was one of my life goals, and now I get to enjoy life among people I love and whom are iron to my iron. I’m excited to see what kind of change this will yield.

Last night I was talking with Mandy and we were talking about God and life and California and boys and feet and other such things girls talk about, but mainly about God. I don’t cry a lot, but, there are two things that consistently make me cry:: 1) remembering how much God loves me and 2) realizing that I have forgotten Him.

God rejoices when the lost come home and the angels in heaven raise a ruckus when the unsaved become saved. I know the joy that this gives God, but that has not been me. I do not have an awesome testimony that will leave someone speechless or in tears. I’ve spent the entirety of my life knowing God and living in His house. I’m like the nation of Israel who got to see God part the Red Sea and still wants to worship something they’ve made.

I have experienced the awesome healing he has done in my life, and I’ve seen Him do the impossible time and time again, but I still cannot keep a hold of who He is. I forget. When I hit a desert spell, a trough period, a silent time, I feel like I have been left all alone, despite the fact that He has never deserted me, ever. This hurts God. I’m surprised that God has not gotten so fed up with me complaining about my middle-class, white girl tragedies and buried me in a hole with ants. It’s always those who are closest to us that have the ability to hurt us the most. I have no reason to doubt the presence of God in my life, and yet I do. This has always been hard for me to admit because I grew up Christian and people just assume I don’t have doubt, but I can’t keep holding up that mask.
Now, I refuse to. I do have doubt; I have those times when I feel like I’m just talking to myself; I have times where I despise opening up my Bible because it confuses me more than it answers my questions. It’s been a struggle for me to admit this because this means I have failed to remember who He is. I had somehow made myself above needing grace. In the story of the Prodigal Son, I am the older brother. I am the lost one, but, in this realization, I somehow become the younger son in desperate need of being forgiven. So I guess this is just the beginning of my coming home story.

Cal-i-forn-i-a

I cannot wait to get to see New Mexico in the day light, I've driven through there once before, but it was at night and all I saw were giant shadows that I'm guessing were rock formations. Anyway they were breathtaking in the moonlight and I'm hoping that they're even better in the light.

I cannot wait to see the ocean for the first time. I'm sure it will be, as Bradley Hathaway puts it, "a religious experience." I don't care how cold the water is, I'm going in.

I cannot wait to spend LOTS of quality time with my friend Mandy. I know she needs this break a lot more than I do.

But I'm going to have to wait a little longer. Two days and counting.

I'm excited to get to blog about our trip to California and life and anything else that might happen in between. It'll be like getting to take you on the trip with me, only you can't drive... deadbeat... I had a xanga blog when I was in high school/freshman year of college (thirdchildout.xanga.com ... just in case you're curious). I tried to resurrect it last year-ish, but I failed. Which is a shame because I love to write and people tell me that I should do it more often, but I don't. So maybe this time it'll stick? We'll find out.

In the mean time I hope you are doing well and that Monday was kind to you this week :)