Everthing

There's this song by Lifehouse called "Everything" that I cherish deeply. Not because of the skit that every church from one side of the world to the other has silently acted out while the song plays in the background (truth be told: I've never actually seen it...). The first time I remember hearing it was after my freshman year of college at Camp Sooner in Oklahoma when I was on camp teams for the school. It was the first week of what would be a long summer. I was young, self-conscious, and in such a spiritually dry place at this time that I just felt useless. At the time there was unrest in my heart about a boy I thought I was falling in love with, who could never love me back. God was silent and had been silent for so long that I thought he had given up on me. This emptiness that pervaded my heart was almost unbearable. It felt like I was drowning and there was no one who knew how to save me.

The band played that song for worship one night and I just stopped. Life stilled around me as the words of the song chipped away at the anchor that was dragging me down. Every word they were singing sounded like it came from the words my soul didn't even know how to speak. "How can I stand here and not be moved by you?" My heart was beating again. For but a fleeting moment God tapped me on the shoulder to show me that he had been walking behind me the whole time, just waiting for me to turn around.

Literally every time I hear that song I feel like I'm 19 again and in a world of hurt. I can still feel the war that waged inside of me. It's such a bitter moment in my life but remembering it is sweet. I still have these dry seasons because I can still convince myself that I can rely on my strength alone. How soon I forget all that I've been through, all the lessons I've learned, and who I've needed most through it all.

Everything in its time... I guess,

I don't like to question God, because I know that all things will be used to proclaim His glory no matter what that situation looks like. But, within the last three months at least three of my close friends have had very complicated pregnancies two of which have resulted in the baby dying and the last one (quite literally as I'm typing) is being delivered two months premature.
My heart breaks for these ladies and the families that are going through such a painful time. I just wonder why God would choose to use THIS way to get their attention. But like I said I know it's all for the glory of God and He can use this time to draw them into a closer relationship with Him. It's just hard for me to swallow sometimes, but who am I to pick and choose what I like about the character of God and what I want to ignore.
I hate sin and I cannot wait for Christ's return so that no mother has to feel this pain ever again.

Life, as I know it, should be a country song.

I've come to the conclusion that my life would make a great country song. I've fought against country for as long as I've been alive, but there's something about it that just sounds like home. My life right now is very bitter sweet and I think it'll always be that way. I'm forever going to feel the weight of what I once was and celebrate who I am now as I continue to grow.

I live in a suburb that is beautiful and there are parks to play in and people I love that live near by, but I may never see them in the summer sun. I may never experience the city when hypothermia is not a threat. I may never get to see a movie on the lawn or see a concert at dusk. I haven't seen fireworks on the 4th of July since 2009 and I anticipate that won't be remedied until 2013. As much as I hate all of these realities I know that I'm experiencing things that many people will not. I get to not only take a chapter from the book of adventure to be my own, but I'm also writing an epic story of God's love for the world. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be and that's more than enough to keep me from grumbling.