Everthing

There's this song by Lifehouse called "Everything" that I cherish deeply. Not because of the skit that every church from one side of the world to the other has silently acted out while the song plays in the background (truth be told: I've never actually seen it...). The first time I remember hearing it was after my freshman year of college at Camp Sooner in Oklahoma when I was on camp teams for the school. It was the first week of what would be a long summer. I was young, self-conscious, and in such a spiritually dry place at this time that I just felt useless. At the time there was unrest in my heart about a boy I thought I was falling in love with, who could never love me back. God was silent and had been silent for so long that I thought he had given up on me. This emptiness that pervaded my heart was almost unbearable. It felt like I was drowning and there was no one who knew how to save me.

The band played that song for worship one night and I just stopped. Life stilled around me as the words of the song chipped away at the anchor that was dragging me down. Every word they were singing sounded like it came from the words my soul didn't even know how to speak. "How can I stand here and not be moved by you?" My heart was beating again. For but a fleeting moment God tapped me on the shoulder to show me that he had been walking behind me the whole time, just waiting for me to turn around.

Literally every time I hear that song I feel like I'm 19 again and in a world of hurt. I can still feel the war that waged inside of me. It's such a bitter moment in my life but remembering it is sweet. I still have these dry seasons because I can still convince myself that I can rely on my strength alone. How soon I forget all that I've been through, all the lessons I've learned, and who I've needed most through it all.

Everything in its time... I guess,

I don't like to question God, because I know that all things will be used to proclaim His glory no matter what that situation looks like. But, within the last three months at least three of my close friends have had very complicated pregnancies two of which have resulted in the baby dying and the last one (quite literally as I'm typing) is being delivered two months premature.
My heart breaks for these ladies and the families that are going through such a painful time. I just wonder why God would choose to use THIS way to get their attention. But like I said I know it's all for the glory of God and He can use this time to draw them into a closer relationship with Him. It's just hard for me to swallow sometimes, but who am I to pick and choose what I like about the character of God and what I want to ignore.
I hate sin and I cannot wait for Christ's return so that no mother has to feel this pain ever again.

Life, as I know it, should be a country song.

I've come to the conclusion that my life would make a great country song. I've fought against country for as long as I've been alive, but there's something about it that just sounds like home. My life right now is very bitter sweet and I think it'll always be that way. I'm forever going to feel the weight of what I once was and celebrate who I am now as I continue to grow.

I live in a suburb that is beautiful and there are parks to play in and people I love that live near by, but I may never see them in the summer sun. I may never experience the city when hypothermia is not a threat. I may never get to see a movie on the lawn or see a concert at dusk. I haven't seen fireworks on the 4th of July since 2009 and I anticipate that won't be remedied until 2013. As much as I hate all of these realities I know that I'm experiencing things that many people will not. I get to not only take a chapter from the book of adventure to be my own, but I'm also writing an epic story of God's love for the world. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be and that's more than enough to keep me from grumbling.

I seem to be bullet proof.

Several emotions roll through my head when I look back at old high school photos. One, I wish that I wasn't so timid in high school and would have taken more advantage of the opportunities I had. Even if it meant putting up with a crappy volleyball coach. Two, what was I thinking ever wanting the people I thought were cool to think I was cool?

I mean really, they were selfish, petty, fitted with loose morals, and arrogant; and these are the people whose attention I craved? I feel the need to travel back in time to smack myself. Why is it that the people who oppress us most are the ones we continually seek to please and the one who openly invites us into glory we easily turn our backs to? It makes absolutely no sense at all.

I want to point this out to every jr. high and high school girl I ever meet. The people you look at now, the jerks people think are popular, are going to be the people that you look at in 5-10 years and thank God they never stuck as friends. When I look at this kind of people in my life, I often think to myself, "Wow, dodged that bullet." And then I usually laugh at myself for the naivety of my high school self.

How quickly we lose perspective. The temporary begins to look like eternal and the eternal begins to become an annoying idea you hear once a week from an out-of-touch man on a stage. I'm guilty of this. I let my eyes win out over what my heart knows. The disconnect between my head and my heart is costly and I'm wasting precious time letting the former win out. Renew my mind, Father. Transform my way of thinking. Set my heart, my mind, my soul, and my strength on that which is eternal.

Weak faithfulness in strong hands

I had a really cool moment tonight. I was sitting with my host parents, my host "brother", and Dan tonight outside in my new back yard and I was reminded of God's faithfulness. I lose faith in God to the point that it is shameful. I am more apt to give up the long term dream for what's happening right in front of me. I lose faith and sight in God. This has changed a little over the last year. Remaining faithful to the call to do LT has opened my eyes to several different ways that God has fulfilled the desires of my heart, even some of the unspoken ones.
I have always wanted, but never had brothers; Dan has become that brother to me. He even gets under my skin like any normal sibling would, but has also been a vital source of encouragement.
I have always wanted to live in community. I now work for a community focused organization and live with two of the most generous and kind people I have ever met.
I wanted to be more confident. I am more confident because I am dead to this world, so there's nothing to worry about anymore.
I wanted a purpose and goals. LT is working with me to establish both.
I've received confirmation time and time again that this a place where God's will for my life and my desires finally meet. I have never known a peace like this, but it's infecting all that I do. I know that I am different and I know that the Julie I was a year ago would look at me now and say, I want to be that. She's got her head on straight. All because of God's faith in me and Him remaining faithful to His own plan for me. Uncompromising. He would not stop until he had all of me.

Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself... (2 Timothy 2:11-13)

My year in rewind

Mandy and I Skyped tonight and we ended up watching the video that we made of our road trip to California. Which was the reason I started blogging again and have done a poor job of writing since then. My apologies even though I think I'm the only one who reads what I write :)

Summit starts in 4 weeks and 3 days. This last year absolutely flew by and I feel like I've forgotten more than I remember about the last year. So accompany me as I remember the last year and all I've done::

Last season of college volleyball at SLCC.
Last semester of classes.
Coaching at North County.
Coaching at SLCC.
Being a nanny.
Road tripping to California.
Interviewing for Summit and then getting in.
Living with Dawn and Julie W.
Kentucky for 6 weeks.
Self discovery.
Understanding grace for the first time.
Completing my year covenant of no dating.
Lake of the Ozarks trips.
Mayleene and the Sons of Disaster in concert at Pops.
My first ticket.
Finding my first geocach.

If this is what I can do in a year's time then I can't wait to see what the next 50 are going to be like.

No end like the deep end.

Sometimes I get really pensive about the future and all the possibilities it holds. Will I make the right choices, will I make the most of what God's entrusted to me, will I completely screw things up? Or possibly, just maybe, could I end up happy? It seems sometimes like asking God to bury the moon in my back yard, you know wanting to end up happy.

Interestingly enough though, I have more joy in my heart than I have ever known. I feel peace and not the chaos I grew to know so well. I'm excited to see where life leads me because I have goals to work towards and lots of opportunities that are so close I can almost see them becoming real. I'm not afraid to dream big anymore, because I know the one thing I want most in my life is to delight in the Lord and if my aim is simply to do that I cannot fail. To God, I cannot fail, to the world and to myself, I will still fail, but that all becomes secondary.

If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand. I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. (Psalm 37:23-25)

It still amazes me how faithful God is and how I'm impulsive and quick to forget. I have housing for August! Another piece of the LeaderTreks puzzle has, once again, fallen into place. I feel as though I have jumped into the deep end and found out that I can swim. The closer it gets to September the more at ease I become and the more excited I am to dive in deeper.

Please keep Dan and I in your prayers as we travel tomorrow and please pray for our impact over the course of the summer on the students, the staff, the volunteers, the missionary partners, and the parents. This is so much bigger than we are and I don't think we really realize that.
Welp, good night :)